Barrett's Parents Come to Stay
by Carbuncle
Summary: After Cloud gets a haircut, Barrett's parents turn up at 7th Heaven to visit their son. Cloud and Tifa take an immediate dislike to them after it becomes apparent that Mr. and Mrs. Wallace are as racist as they come. So, another offensive fic then?


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Barrett's Parents Are Racist Morons (While Cloud's Hair Just Plain Sucks)  
  
(Open to the 7th Heaven basement. At the back of the room are Tifa, ironing a shirt, and Aeris, on the computer. Barrett is on the couch, reading the Shin-Ra Times. Cloud walks in with a wooly hat on his head. He then becomes the center of attention. Barrett lifts his head from his newspaper)  
Barrett: How come you're always wearin' that hat?  
Cloud: Uh, it keeps my head warm.  
Barrett: (laughs) Nice try. Take it off. (Cloud reluctantly removes his hat; his hair is awfully long and drops over his face)  
Aeris: Look! Cloud's a hippie!  
Tifa: (gasps) When was the last time you had your hair cut?!  
Cloud: (pushes the hair out of his face) Two weeks ago. Maybe six.  
Tifa: I have never known anyone's hair to grow as fast as yours does, Cloud. Get a haircut... pronto.  
Cloud: What's the point? It'll just grow back again in a few weeks!  
Tifa: Do you want to get the head lice or something? Do as I say.  
Cloud: (groans) Oh, all right.  
  
(Cut to the Midgar Barbershop. Cloud is sitting in a barber's chair)  
Cloud: Tch... I can't believe they'd think I'd have head lice! (looks up at his hair) This is a head lice-free zone!  
  
(Cut to Cloud's hair. A calm wind blows through the yellow strands. A sign post has been erected which reads: "Space for Rent")  
  
(Cut back to Cloud in the barber's chair)  
Cloud: Y'see what I mean?  
Barber: (jacks up the chair with his foot) What'll it be, sir?  
Cloud: A few snips here and there. Just don't go nuts.  
Barber: 'Kay. You're the boss. (a close up on Cloud's face as the scissors cuts and some hair falls) There. All done. (spins Cloud around so he can see himself in the mirror; Cloud is bald) Well? How's that?  
Cloud: What the hell did ya do to my head?!  
Barber: That'll be four gil, please.  
  
(Cut to a window. Cloud appears outside and climbs through with a brown, paper bag in his left hand. He sets it down on the table and pulls out some glue from a shelf. He then places a piece of cardboard on the table and covers it with glue. He tips the contents of the paper bag (his hair) onto the sticky cardboard. He puts some more glue on his bald head, then picks up the cardboard with the hair attached and folds it around his head. The hair on the cardboard falls off. Cloud tries to remove the cardboard, but it's stuck tight)  
  
(Cut to the 7th Heaven basement)  
Barrett: Isn't Cloud back from the barber yet? He's been gone for ages!  
Aeris: I think I heard him sneak in a while ago. (Cloud walks in with a bag over his head)  
Barrett: Take that damn bag offa your head!  
Tifa: Yeah, let's see this sexy new haircut of yours.  
Aeris: I bet it looks totally hot!  
Cloud: All right. But you've got to promise you won't laugh.  
Barrett: We won't.  
Cloud: I'm serious. If you guys laugh then-  
Tifa: We won't laugh, Cloud. (Cloud takes off the bag; the cardboard is still glued around his head)  
Barrett: What the...?? (he, Tifa and Aeris burst out laughing)  
Cloud: Oh, I knew you (puts his hat back on) wouldn't be mature about this!  
Tifa: (in tears) No, no, we're sorry, Cloud. We're- (bursts into laughter)  
Aeris: What's the matter, Cloud? "Board?" (laughs hysterically; Tifa and Barrett pause)  
Tifa: Bored?  
Barrett: I... I don' get it.  
Aeris: (in between laughter) No, not bored! Board! B-O-A-R-D!  
Barrett: I... I still don' get it.  
Tifa: Neither do I.  
Aeris: Board. As in "cardBOARD." There's cardboard around his head. He's--oh, never mind. (turns away) Wouldn't know an intelligent pun if it bit 'em in the a--hey, "Amazing Aeris!" has a website now!  
Tifa: Won't it come off?  
Cloud: No. It's stuck tighter than... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.  
Barrett: You're jus' not pullin' hard enough! I'll shift it! (tugs at the cardboard) C'mon, ya bitch!!  
Cloud: Barrett! Barrett!! Ow! Owww! You're hurtin' me! You're hurtin' me!!  
Barrett: (lets go) You try, Tifa.  
Tifa: Okay. (grabs onto the cardboard) Hold still, Cloud. (tugs hard)  
Cloud: Owww!! Watch it!  
Tifa: (lets go) I can't do it.  
Aeris: (walks over) I'll give it a try. (grabs onto the cardboard and pulls) C'mon! C'mon!! (pulls really hard and manages to remove the cardboard; she falls back through a glass table though, which smashes and cuts up her skin) Aahh! (stumbles to her feet and wanders backwards; a car crashes through the wall and sends her flying)  
Tifa: Oh my God, they've killed Aeris!  
Cloud: You beasts! (his hair grows back very quickly; two black people get out of the car)  
Black Woman: I've had it with your drivin', Bert. Next time I'll drive.  
Barrett: Mom?! Dad?!  
Mrs. Wallace: Son! (runs over and hugs Barrett)  
Barrett: The hell're you guys doin' here?!  
Mr. Wallace: What sort of a welcome is that, ya surly swine?!  
Cloud: My God! Who are these people?!  
Barrett: Cloud. Tifa. I'd like you to meet my parents.  
Cloud & Tifa: Wha?!  
Mrs. Wallace: Aw, son. You never told us you had a family. (kisses Tifa's cheeks) Hi there, sugar! Oh, ain't she a beaut, Bert?  
Mr. Wallace: (uninterested) Eh...  
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, and I have a grandson, too! (pinches Cloud's cheeks) How're you, my little sweetie pie?!  
Cloud: Aahh!!  
Mrs. Wallace: How precious! He looks just like you, son!  
Cloud: (breaks free) Get away from me, you crazy woman!  
Barrett: No, Ma! This ain't my family!  
Mrs. Wallace: They're not?  
Barrett: Hell no! These are my, uh, I guess you could call 'em friends.  
Mrs. Wallace: Oh. I see. No need to worry, Bert. They're jus' white trash.  
Mr. Wallace: (sitting on the couch, watching TV) Eh...  
  
(Cut to the bar. Barrett, Mrs. Wallace and Marlene are there)  
Mrs. Wallace: (to Marlene) Aren't you a cutie? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! (eskimo kisses Marlene; Marlene giggles) You have a fine daughter, son! She's so beautiful.  
Barrett: Yeah, well... look Mom, I don't mean to be rude or anythin', but how long do you and Dad intend to stay in this dump?  
Mrs. Wallace: Oh relax, son! It's only gonna be a brief visit. Jus' five or six weeks, that's all.  
Barrett: Five or six weeks?!  
Mrs. Wallace: Yeah. Is that a problem?  
Barrett: Well, not with me, but-  
Mrs. Wallace: That's all right then!  
Barrett: There're other people to consider here, Ma. Cloud and Tifa live here, too. I'd, uh, have to check with them as well, jus' to be on the safe side.  
Mrs. Wallace: They're jus' white bastards, they'll be fine!  
Barrett: Geez, there's no need to be racist, Mom.  
  
(Cut to the basement. Cloud and Tifa are on the couch with Barrett's father)  
Mr. Wallace: How old is this TV, sonny boy?  
Cloud: I do have a name, y'know.  
Mr. Wallace: That doesn't answer my question, boy.  
Cloud: I dunno! Three or four years old, I guess! Ask your son; it's his TV!  
Mr. Wallace: Man... check out these dumbass channels! Don't you have cable?  
Tifa: We don't believe in cable. It rots the mind.  
Mr. Wallace: Rots the--what are you people - simple?  
Cloud: ...  
Tifa: ...  
Mr. Wallace: Ah, you kids wouldn't understand... It's all hip hop 'n' music as far as you're concerned, huh? Never watched a decent TV show in your lives...  
Barrett: (walks in) Guys? Could we have a brief word?  
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are there)  
Tifa: No, no, no, no, no!  
Barrett: But-  
Cloud: Didn't you hear her? She said, "No, no, no, no, no!"  
Barrett: But surely they could jus' stay a few days?! I mean, they've travelled half way across the planet, for #@$% sake!  
Tifa: Profanity will get you nowhere, Barrett.  
Barrett: Tifa! You're bein' unreasonable!  
Tifa: Am I? Am I?! Your mother said Cloud and I were "screamin' pink honkers!" I don't think I'm being unreasonable in any way!  
Cloud: Uh huh. I agree with Tifa. I don't want them here, either. Your mom is racist and your dad is, well, your dad's a dick, plain and simple.  
Barrett: Look, I know they can be annoyin'. Hell, I grew up with them, for God's sake. All they want is to spend some quality time with the son they never visit and the granddaughter they never knew existed. Is that too much to ask?  
Tifa: ...I guess not.  
Cloud: Tifa! Don't start to feel sorry for them! They're racist morons!  
Tifa: Maybe so, Cloud. But they're Barrett's racist morons. Sure, they can stay-  
Barrett: Awright!!  
Cloud: D'oh!  
Tifa: -but only for a couple of days!  
Barrett: They'll be gone by Sunday! (hugs Tifa) Thanks Tifa!  
Tifa: Ugh, don't mention it.  
Mrs. Wallace: (offscreen) Barrett! Put down that pale skinned hussy!  
Barrett: Sorry Mom!  
  
(Cut to the basement. Barrett's father is still on the couch. He changes the channel with the remote)  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A wildlife documentary is on)  
Narrator: The offspring of the bandersnatch rely on their mother to supply them with food for the first four months of their lives. After this, their days of sucking on her teats are over, and they must fend for themselves in the wild.  
  
(Cut back to Barrett's father on the couch)  
Mr. Wallace: If this were cable the bandersnatch woulda been able to dance...  
Mrs. Wallace: (walks in) Bert! What the hell're you doin'?!  
Mr. Wallace: I'm watchin' television, bitch! What's it to you?!  
Mrs. Wallace: We didn't come down here jus' so you could sit on yo' ass, watchin' TV! Come spend some time with your family, goddammit!  
Mr. Wallace: Aw, go to hell, ya ugly skank!  
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are there)  
Mrs. Wallace: (from downstairs) Don't you dare call me an ugly skank, ya lazy bum!  
Mr. Wallace: (from downstairs) Up yo' ass!  
Mrs. Wallace: (from downstairs) Oh, oh, you asked for it, Bert! (smashing sounds are heard)  
Cloud: What the HELL is going on down there?!  
Barrett: Uh... Mom and... Mom and Dad fight a lot. Yeah, I probably shoulda mentioned that before you agreed to let 'em stay.  
Mr. Wallace: (from downstairs) Aah, there's glass in my eye!!  
Tifa: You really should've told us about this, Barrett. They can't stay now.  
Barrett: Aw c'mon, Tifa! Give 'em a chance! I'll calm 'em down!  
  
(Cut to the basement. Mr. and Mrs. Wallace are fighting. Barrett runs in and keeps them apart)  
Barrett: Guys! Guys! #@$%^&* calm down!  
Mr. Wallace: She busted my left testicle!  
Mrs. Wallace: Ya don't need it anyway, Bert! You're lousy in the sack!  
Mr. Wallace: Why I oughta...!  
Barrett: Breathe, Dad, breathe! (sighs) Look, my friends're gettin' kinda pissed off with you guys arguin' all the damn time. If you don't quit it then I think they're gonna kick ya out.  
Mrs. Wallace: Typical white people!  
Barrett: Mom!!  
Mrs. Wallace: What?! What?! I'm sorry! (a montage follows of Barrett's parents up to various things: Mrs. Wallace yells at Tifa as she presents her with some dinner; she then throws the dinner in Tifa's face. Mr. Wallace digs his hands into the couch as Cloud tries to pull him away from the TV. Mr. Wallace steals lots of beer cans from the bar; Tifa catches him in the act. Mr. and Mrs. Wallace are arguing behind Cloud and Tifa, who are on the couch trying to watch TV. Mr. and Mrs. Wallace scare away all 7th Heaven's customers as they fight in the bar. Mrs. Wallace spanks Cloud in the basement as he cries in terror)  
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are there)  
Tifa: (crosses her arms) We've had it with your parents, Barrett!  
Cloud: Yeah, they've only been here for one day and already they're makin' our lives hell. You have to tell them to leave.  
Barrett: What would you guys have me do, huh?! Throw them out onto the streets?! It's the middle of winter, you guys!  
Cloud: Tough! They've gotta go! Right, Tifa?  
Tifa: Yep!  
Barrett: Awright! But can't they at least stay the night?  
Cloud & Tifa: No.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Barrett and his mother are outside)  
Barrett: Sorry ya couldn't stay a little longer, Mom.  
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, it's not your fault, Barrett. It's those damn-  
Barrett: Ma!  
Mrs. Wallace: We'll be out of your hair as soon as your father pulls that wreck of a car of his out from the debris. (Mr. Wallace pulls up in the car) Ah, at last.  
Mr. Wallace: Hop in, Momma! We haven't got all day!  
Mrs. Wallace: Goodbye, son! (hugs Barrett)  
Barrett: Bye Ma. (Mrs. Wallace gets in the car)  
Mr. Wallace: See ya, son!  
Barrett: Bye Papa. (the Wallaces drive off; Cloud and Tifa come outside)  
Cloud: I hope they never come back. (Barrett frowns at him) ...Damn ni-  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
